BRASS
Q: How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three - 1 to actually change the bulb, and 2 to say that they could have done it better, faster and higher.
Q: How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?
A: Seven - if you lay them out correctly.
Q: If you're watching children playing at a playground, how can you tell which ones are the offspring of a trombone player?
A: They're the ones that can't swing and don't know how to use the slide.
Q: What will you never say about a trombone player?
A: "That's the trombone player's Porsche."
Q:How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A: Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.
Q: What's the difference between a dead chicken in the road, and a dead trombonist in the road?
A: There's a remote chance the chicken was on its way to a gig.
Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.
Q: What's the definition of an optimist?
A: A trombone player with a beeper.
Q: What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
A: "Year-At-A-Glance."
Q: What's the range of a tuba?
A: About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.
Q: What's a tuba for?
A: 1 1/2" by 3 1/2", unless you request "full cut."
Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?
A: With a tuba glue.
Q: What's the difference between a bull and a French Horn section?
A: The bull's horns are supposed to be sharp.
Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a trombone in the road?
A: Skid marks in front of the snake.
Q: How do you know that there's a trombone player at your door?
A: The doorbell rings slower and s l o w e r and s l o w e r . . .
Q: How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he'll probably do it too loudly.
Q: What's the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: 'On' or 'Off' .
Q: What's the difference between a French horn and a '57 Chevy?
A: You can tune the Chevy.
Q: What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goalpost?
A: A goalpost that can't march.
Q: How many French hornists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he'll take 2 hours to check for alignment and leaks.
Q: What's the difference between a trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
A: I don't know either.
Q: What's the difference between a government bond and a trumpet player?
A: The government bond eventually matures.
Q: How do trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
A: "Hi. I'm better than you."
Q: Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
A: He's too sensitive.
Q: How many 3rd trumpets does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - they can't get up that high.
WOODWINDS
Q: How many oboe players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but she goes through a whole box of bulbs before she finds one she likes.
Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
A: Two oboists playing in unison.
Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A1: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.
A2: The bassoon burns longer.
Q: What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off when you jump on the trampoline.
Q: What's a burning oboe good for?
A: Setting a bassoon on fire.
Q: How do you get two piccolo players to play in unison?
A: Shoot one.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the bassoon recital.
Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicapped zones.
Q: What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five - one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how Charlie Parker would have done it.
Q: What's the differnce between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
A!: Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles.
A2: The neighbors get upset when you borrow their mower and don't return it.
A3: The grip.
Q: What's the difference between a chainsaw and a bari sax?
A: The exhaust
Q: What's the difference between a chainsaw and a soprano sax?
A: The chainsaw has a greater range.
Q: What's the difference between an chainsaw and an alto sax?
A: Vibrato.
Q: If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for
directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, and out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
A: The out-of-tune tenor sax player. The other two don't really exist.
Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
The other replies, "That was no piccolo. That was my fife."
DRUMMERS
Q: What do you say to a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "Will the Defendant please rise?"
Q: What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad drummer?
A: A bad drummer can kill you.
Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a bulb?
A: None, they have machines for that now.
Q: How can a band tell if the stage is level?
A: The drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.
Q: What's the last thing a drummer says before he gets kicked out of a band?
A: "When do we get to play MY songs?"
Q: How can you tell when a drummer is at your door?
A: The knocking gets faster and faster andfasterandfasterandfaster.
Q: What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
A: Drool
Q: Why is it a good thing that drummers are a little smarter than horses?
A: So that they don't disgrace themselves in parades.
Q: What's the difference between a live drummer and a drum machine?
A: With the drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.
Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathisers
Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in his car?
It took 2 hours to get the drummer out.
A little boy is watching a concert on TV one evening. He turns to his mother and says,"Mom, when I grow up, I wanna be a drummer!"
And his mother replies, "Pick one or the other, honey, you can't do both!"
GUITARS, ETC.
Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a guitar players arm?
A: A tattoo.
Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.
Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: What do you call a guitar player who only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.
Q: How do you reduce wind-drag on a bass players car?
A: Take the "Domino's Pizza" sign off the roof.
Q: How do you get a bass player off of your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer?
A: Give him music to read.
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: None - the piano player can do that with his left hand.
A2: One, but the guitarist has to first show him how .
A3: Don't bother. Just leave it out and no one will notice.
Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - they just steal someone else's light.
Q: What do you call 2 guitarists playing in unison?
A: Counterpoint.
Q: How many electric guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five. One to actually do it, and the other 4 to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.
The only thing in nature close to the sound of a banjo is a chicken getting caught in a vacuum cleaner.
ORCHESTRA
Q. Why are violins smaller than violas?
A. They are actually the same size - violinists' heads are bigger.
Q: Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A: So they don't have to re-train the cellists.
Q. How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A. The bow is moving.
Q: How are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving, and hard to get out of the car.
Q: How do you make a cello play in tune?
A: Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.
Q: Why do violinists place a cloth between their chin and the instrument?
A: Because violins don't have spit valves.
Q: What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
A1: No-one cares if you spill beer on a fiddle.
A2: The fiddle is fun to listen to.
Q: Why should you never drive a nail with a violin?
A: You might bend the nail.
Q: What's the difference between a violinist and a dog?
A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.
PIANO
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat minor
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A: A flat major.
SINGERS
Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.
Q: How many singers does it take to screw in a bulb?
A: One. They hold onto the bulb and the world revolves around them.
Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?
A: Lipstick.
Q: How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two - her and her accompanist.
Q: How do put a sparkle in a singer's eyes?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Q: What's the difference between a high school choir concert and the men's finals at Wimbledon?
A: There are more men in the tennis match.
Q: How does a young man become a member of the high school choir?
A: On the first day of school, he turns into the wrong classroom.
Q: What's the difference between a choir director and a chimpanzee?
A: It's been scientifically proven that chimps can communicate with humans.
Q: How many country & western singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three - one to put in the new bulb, and the others to sing about the old one.
Q: What happens if you play a country song backwards?
A: Your wife returns, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of jail.
Q: What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
A: "I didn't wake up this mornin'. . ."
Q: How do you make a million dollars singing jazz?
A: Start with 2 million.
Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
A: Put it in the oven until it's Bill Withers.
MISCELLANEOUS
Q: How do you define perfect pitch?
A: When the accordion lands in the MIDDLE of the dumpster.
Q: What's the difference between an accordion and an Uzi?
A: The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
Q: What do you call 10 accordions at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree?
A: Night manager at McDonalds.
Q: What's the difference between music written in the alto clef and Greek?
A: Some people can actually read Greek.
Q: What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
A: New Age music.
Q: How many sound-men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three.
A2: "Hey, man - I just do sound."
Q: What's the difference between a pop musician and a jazz musician?
A: A pop musician plays 3 chords in front of 1000 people, and a jazz musician plays 1000 chords in front of 3 people.
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Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft & I'll show you A-flat miner.
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Three souls appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter asked the first one, "What was your last annual salary?" The soul replied, "$200,000; I was a trial lawyer." St. Peter asked the second one the same question. The soul answered, "$95,000; I was a realtor." St. Peter then asked the third soul the same question. The answer was "$8,000." St. Peter immediately said, "Cool! What instrument did you play?"
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A jazz musician has just won $3 million in the lottery. A TV reporter asks him what he plans to do with the money. The jazz musician replies, "Guess I'll keep playin' until the money runs out."
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"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like'Tom Jones Syndrome'."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."
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Three men die in a plane crash and are waiting to enter heaven. As they approach the Pearly Gates,
St. Peter asks the first man, "What did you do on Earth?"
Man #1: "I was a doctor."
St. Peter: "Welcome to heaven. Go right through those gates!"
St. Peter looks at the second man, and asks:" And what did you do on Earth?"
Man #2: "I was a school teacher."
St. Peter: "Welcome, welcome. You, too, may walk right through those pearly gates."
St. Peter then faces the 3rd man, and asks:"And what did you do on Earth?"
Man #3: "I" was a musician.
St. Peter: "Go around to the back, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen . . . "
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The music world was saddened in the summer of 2006 when trumpet legend Maynard Ferguson died. However, few know what happened to Maynard shortly after he left this humble Earth. Here's the rest of the story: He soon arrived at the Pearly Gates, but was understandably sad and concerned. Greeting him, St. Peter told him not to worry . . .
"It's OK, Maynard - there are some great jazz musicians up here. . . Benny Goodman, Duke Ellington, Count Basie, the Bird . . ."
Maynard asked if he'd get to play, and if so what instrument.
St. Peter replied, "Trumpet, of course. We've got a great horn section here - Miles, Bix, Satchmo, Al Hirt, Harry James . . . you'll have a blast! Plus, we've got Buddy on drums, Nat King Cole on vocals (if Pavoratti will let him sing . . .) "
Maynard asked about the charts. St. Peter replied: "Oh, Glenn Miller is here, and Stan Kenton, Henry Mancini, Guy Lombardo. . . no problem with notes."
Maynard 's mood improved, and he exclaimed: "That sounds GROOVY. Let me in!"
Suddenly, St. Peter's tone softened quite a bit, and he looked around furtively: "There's just one small problem."
Maynard was doubtful. "It can't be that bad . . . what is it?"
St. Peter was almost whispering now."Well, you see, God has this girlfriend that He thinks can sing . . ."
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