The following are what we consider Profound Thoughts and Words To Live By, collected over years of painstaking research, attentive listening, and opening mass e-mails. These are from a variety of sources, and we claim no authorship. Some quotes have been attributed to certain individuals - this does not mean that said person or institution is necessarily the originator of the phrase in question, just that that's where we first heard or read it. Some of the following are meaningful, some provocative, and some just plain silly. But all can be positively applied to the betterment of one's daily life, depending on interpretation and present mood. Contributions to this page will be considered, but not compensated for. Which reminds us of our first entry:

A preposition is something you should never end a sentence with. (Thelma Kloos)

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be led. (Stan Laurel)

Only dead fish go with the flow.

Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport.

Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Once you lick it, you'll suck forever. (Brian Wilson)
A new study found that only 20 percent of high school seniors are proficient in geography. Students weren't really bothered by that number because only 3 percent of them are proficient in math.
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
There's no “I” in team, but there are two in Schizophrenia.
Do mimes observe a brief moment of talking when a fellow mime passes away?
Why does “X” always get to mark the spot? I bet “Z” would like a turn.
I don't need to lie. But, sometimes I like to give the truth an extreme makeover.
Death by chocolate would be better than being nibbled to death by ducks.
All my friends keep telling me to never succumb to peer pressure. So I'm going to take their advice and not listen to them.
I broke up with my Gym; we were not working out.
The easiest way to neutralize wet-dog smell is eat chili for dinner.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not  enough?

No one ever leaves the theater humming the costumes.

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say that the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of dark?

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up crying every two hours?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, " I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things there, and drink whatever comes out"?

Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken  there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its behind"?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their butt when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs, aren’t they?

Why do Scooby Do and Astro (the Jetsons’ dog) have the same speech impediment?

The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There's no future in time travel.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Why do ‘The Alphabet Song’ and ‘Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star’ have the same melody?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the 
window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
One day, we will all live in the future.
Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect. (Benny Hill)
Rare does not necessarily mean desirable; Smallpox is rare, but people aren't standing in line to get it.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Who stopped payment on my reality check?
What's the speed of dark?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Nobody ever shows up at the Agoraphobics Anonymous meetings.
Whatever doesn't kill you only counts as attempted murder.
There's no such thing as automatic doors - only polite ninjas.
My plan to buy a drawing board just fell through. I guess it's back to th---OH, DARNIT.
People who use hyperbole should be shot.
Predicting the future can be very hard, mostly because it hasn’t happened yet. (Jeffrey Goldberg)
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that
way.  So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot.  He will drag you down to
his level and beat you with experience.
We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in
public.
War does not determine who is right--only who is left.

Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening," and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of
captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool
and throw them fish.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Behind every successful man is his woman.  Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory..

You do not need a parachute to skydive.  You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my
foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go.  Others, whenever they go.

I used to be indecisive.  Now I'm not sure..

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

You can run, but you can't hide. Unless, of course, you're a camouflaged chameleon with broken legs. Then you can hide, but you can't run...

 

Turns out, no matter how many Pringles you can fit into your mouth at one time, this doesn't need to come up in a job interview.

If you're sufficiently bored, all music is dance music.

Anybody can make a mistake. It takes real dedication to make all of them

Rmbr – dooont updt yr staus whljik you driv. It is dngrou7s.

Words in print speak for themselves - anything else is heresay. (Jerry Gilbert)

We all go through life with "Welcome" written on our backs. (Jerry Groathouse)

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. (Shelly Tanabe)

If someone wants to give you money, take it. (Walt Sarlette)

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

If you try to fail - and succeed - what have you done? (George Carlin)


It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.


Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.


Never test the depth of the water with both feet.


If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.


Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes .That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away -

and you have their shoes.


If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.


If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.


Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.


Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that.


The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.


A closed mouth gathers no foot.


Duct Tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

There are two theories to winning an argument with a woman. Neither one works.


Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.


Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.


Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Just remember: If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

The "50-50-90 Rule": Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

The weather’s only our fault when it’s bad.

It’s very tough to find a job when everyone else has one. ( Joe Theissman)

You got to live in the is, not the was. (Colin Cowherd)

Great music is not a prisoner of time. (Bob Dylan)

Never slap a man on the back when he’s chewing tobacco. (Willard Scott)

It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.

We have enough youth - how about a fountain of "smart"?


A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.


Time's fun when you're having flies. (Kermit the Frog)


Red meat is not bad for you - fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.


Nothing works so well in gathering information as a display of ignorance.

Before you try thinking outside the box, make sure you’re darn good at thinking inside the box.

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. (Ben Williams)

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like has never washed a dog. (Franklin P. Jones)

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. (Robert A. Heinlein)

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them. (Phil Pastoret)

It’s easier to buy a gun than cold medicine. ( Bob Dylan)


Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see.

Even a blind hog can uproot an acorn now and then.

If a frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his butt on the rocks.

Money isn't everything, but it's a darn close second.

If you wanna live like the Joneses, you have to pay the Jones' bills.

While the grass might be greener on the other side of the fence, they still have to mow it.

It's best to remain silent and thought a fool, than open one's mouth and remove all doubt.

You know that a man is on the level if his bubble is in the middle. (Mark Madden)

The difference between “genius” and “stupidity” is that “genius” has limitations. (Albert Einstein)

Birds of a feather flock together, and poop on your car.


A penny saved is a government oversight.


The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.


The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.


The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.


He who hesitates is probably right.


If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.


If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.


If you’re afraid you’ll make a mistake, you won’t make anything. (Bil Keane)


Take everything you like seriously, except yourselves. (Rudyard Kipling)


If you think you can, you can. And if you think you can't, you're right.


Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it.

A billion here, a billion there - pretty soon you’re talking real money. (Sen. Everett Dirkson)

It sure pays to have friends - even if you have to buy them. (Jerry Gilbert)

If you want a big crowd at your funeral, die young. (Bud Grant)

The odds against being hit by a meteor are astronomical. (Steven Sarlette)

Bank robbers rob banks because that’s where the money is. They don’t rob the offices of non-profit organizations. (Colin Cowherd)

There’s more to life than a ‘57 Chevy.

We may be lost, but we’re making good time. (Rhonda Johnson)

Do or do not do. There is no try. (Yoda - ‘The Empire Strikes Back’)

If God had intended man to fly, He would have given him airplane tickets.(Prof. Irwin Corey)

The only difference between a star and a benchwarmer is opportunity. (Ken Grunig)

There’s a fine line between a ‘phenom’ and a ‘circus act’ (Colin Cowherd)

It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows. (Epictetus)


If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging. (Will Rogers)

Don't throw away the old bucket until you know whether the new one holds water. (Swedish Proverb)


Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted. (Albert Einstein)

It's not the hours you put in your work that counts, it's the work you put in the hours. (Sam Ewing)


The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and Stupidity. (Harlan Ellison)


You've achieved success in your field when you don't know whether what you're doing is work or play. (Warren Beatty)


It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument. (William G. McAdoo)

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age. (George Burns)


If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity. (Bill Vaughan)


One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say. (Will Durant)


"Results? Why, man, I have gotten a lot of results. I know several thousand things that won't work." (Thomas A. Edison)

What's money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do. ( Bob Dylan)


Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary. (Robert Louis Stevenson)

Everything will be okay in the end. So if it's not okay, it's not the end.


Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it. (Will Rogers)


I believe that every human has a finite number of heart-beats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.( Neil Armstrong)

You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when they're pushed down the stairs.

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

To write with a broken pencil is pointless

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like an orange.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.


By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.


Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. (Stan Kenton)


The facts, although interesting, are generally irrelevant.


The world gets a little better every day, and worse in the evening.


Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

I have seen the truth -and it makes no sense.

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.


Happiness is good health and a bad memory.


Plagiarism saves time.

Imitation is the sincerest form of plagiarism.


Teamwork...means never having to take all the blame yourself.


Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.


Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exist elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.


If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it.

What if there were no rhetorical questions? (George Carlin)

Some people are born into mediocrity, some achieve mediocrity, others have mediocrity thrust upon them.

Information is useless without a purpose.

The bottom line cries for no one. (Eric Satterlee)

If ifs and butts were candy and nuts, we'd all have a happy Christmas. (Sean Salsbury)

99% of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

If you marry for money, you'll earn every cent.

It's not the depth of the river, it's the water. (Mike Tomlin)

Never make forecasts - especially about the future. (Sam Goldwyn)

You can't remake a John Wayne movie.

Football is like chess - without the dice.

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

I'm behind full implementation of the metric system - every inch of the way.

Chivalry is not dead - it just smells funny. (Matt-in-the-Hat)

The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence, but they still have to mow it. (Jerry Gilbert)

If it doesn't have flaws, it's not a real diamond. (Tom Powell)

Everything is a process. (Gunner Frayseth)

Get all you can. Can all you get. Sit on the lid. (Eric Satterlee)

How come you never hear about a windstorm that sounds like a passenger train?

When a man gets all wrapped up in himself, he makes a pretty small package. (Mike Ditka)

Learn hot licks and go to the top. (Walt Sarlette)

He who hesitates is probably right.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

When you are dissatisfied with the present and would like to go back to your youth, just think of Algebra.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one. (Andy Rooney)

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

The world is an enigma in search of a riddle. (Brian "Chill" Williams)

There is a fine line between a rut and a groove. (Christine Lavigne)

One benefit to being self-employed is that you only have to work half days -

and you even get to choose which 12 hours. (Walt Monroe)

The trouble with being punctual is that there's usually no one there to appreciate it.

Good judgement comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgement.

The bitterness of poor quality lingers long after the sweetness of low price paid is gone. (Eric Satterlee)

The reason that animal-rights groups oppose fur coats rather than leather jackets is because it's easier -and safer - to protest against rich women than motorcycle gangs.

It doesn't matter if you're rich or poor, as long as you have money. (Joe E. Lewis)

Ignorance is not bliss - ignorance is poverty. (Anthony Robbins)

It's the winners that write history.

You're only as good as you need to be bad. (Marlon Brando)

Friends are God's way of apologizing to us for our families.

When you're on fire, people give you lots of room. (Richard Pryor)

A cynic is someone that will smell flowers and look around for a funeral.

Half of all people are below average. (Garrison Keillor)

You can love the underdog, but always bet on the winner.

More is not better - better is better. (Colin Cowherd)

Just because something is stupid, doesn't mean it's unconstitutional. (Anton Scalia)

There's plenty of time for sleeping when you're dead. (Frank Sinatra)

The longer the answer, the bigger the lie. (Colin Cowherd)

If you think you're a person of authority, try bossing someone else's dog around . (Will Rogers)

Behind every successful man is a very surprised mother-in-law. (Lou Holtz)

If it don't make dollars, it don't make sense. (Sterling Sharpe)

A crowded elevator smells different to a midget. (Steve Sabol)

If you can't learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly. (Dennis Green)

No problem is too big to run away from. (Charles Schultz)

If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space. (Colin Cowherd)

Not many people get a chance to do something that's only been done once. (Don Larsen)

If you want a puppy, start out by asking for a pony.

No matter where you go - there you are. (Buckaroo Bonzai)

Change is the only thing that will make things different.

If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.

Gravity doesn't take a lunch break. (Charles Osgood)

Time sure drags when you're waiting for the brownies to bake. (Dennis Mitchell)

Scum attracts scum. (Doug Moe)

I don't like to rehearse - if I'm going to make a mistake, I want to be paid for it. (Frankie Nelson)

An eliptical spheriod has no sense. (Keith Jackson)

The only things that go away if you ignore them are your teeth. (Bruce Williams)

If it was easy, anyone could do it. (Buck Owens)

If the enemy is in range, so are you. (Tom Snyder)

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. (Gerald Pearson)

Wear the right costume and the part plays itself. (Ely)

Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. (Charles Osgood)

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet airplane engines. (Click and Clack)

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

No good deed goes unpunished.

If you're going to go somewhere, you have to get on the bus. (Tom Bodett)

Aspire to greatness. On the other hand, no one ever assassinated a refridgerator repairman. (Click and Clack)

Love is the illusion that one woman is different from another. (Rush Limbaugh)

If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your future plans. (Dennis Mitchell)

You have to be careful when you don't know where you're going, because you might get there. (Yogi Berra)

If you walk backwards, you'll never stub your toe. (Harvey McKay)

If a man says something and there's no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Misery is ambition's ugly twin. (Jack Edwards)

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

A word to the wise is unneccesary . It's the foolish that need advice. (Tim Allen)

The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese. (Tom Snyder)

Risk and Reward are handmaidens. (Bruce Williams)

A sin hidden is half-forgiven. (Larry Dean Hutchings)

Cats are intended to teach us that not all things in nature have a purpose. (Garrison Keillor)

The most important key to success is honesty. Once you learn to fake that, you've got it made. (George Burns)

You will miss 100% of the shots that you don't take. (Wayne Gretzky)

If you're not the lead dog, the view never changes.

Nothing commands respect like a shotgun. (Neil Thielke)

Three out of four people make up 75% of the world's population. (Bob Ried)

It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that certain 'je ne saisquoi'. (Peter Schickele)

The urge to perform doesn't necessarily mean that a person has talent. (Garrison Keillor)

It's always darkest just before it goes totally black.

Those who persevere to the end - get old

History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme. (J.D. Heywood)

Death is irreversible. (Jess Ventura)

Never let your mind write a check that your body isn't prepared to cash. (Red Green)

It is easiest to eat crow while it's still warm.

Only the mediocre can always be at their best. (Click and Clack)

Never pass up an opportunity to use the bathroom. (Ann Landers)

Fame may be fickle, but obscurity is faithful to the end.

Support bacteria - it's the only culture that some people have.

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. (Bill Clinton)

There is no "i" in 'team'. However, there is one in 'contract extension'. (Brian Wicker)

If at first you don't succeed, use more duct tape. (Red Green)

In a perfect world, everything would be different. (Drak Star)

Tradition is hallowed, revered, and sanctified -and prevents you from doing something better.

Tradition is what you resort to when you don't have enough time or money to do something right.

A saxophone is an instrument the combines the disadvantages of a woodwind and a brasswind into one entity.

The best intentions are frought with disappointment. (Gil Grissom, "CSI")

Fear trumps greed.

A train wreck is never on time. (Tom Powell)

If you make a mistake, play it twice. (Herbie Hancock)

Man who keep nose to grindstone have flat face. (ancient Chinese proverb)

Man who sit on tack better off. (ancient Chinese proverb)

Man who pass gas in church sit in own pew. (Twig Webster)

When immortality is outlawed, only outlaws will be immortal. (Dr. Jacob Hood, "Eleventh Hour")

A good craftsman never blames his bench. (Keith Olberman)

Luck pays the same as skill. (Steve Goodson)

Necessity may be the mother of invention, but it's not the mother of production. (Eric Satterlee)

Speculation is always a question mark. (Sid Hartman)

All good things come to an end. So do all bad things. (Dale Connelly, NPR)

Organic bourbon is like the blues played on an oboe. (Garrison Keillor)

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Economists are good at forecasting the past. (Chris Farrell, NPR)

Some people cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In case of an emergency, notify:", I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

Since God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting one in a fruit salad.

We never really grow up – we just learn how to act in public.

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes.

Do all cemetery workers work the graveyard shift?

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

 

Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

With sufficient thrust, pigs will fly just fine.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

You cannot control your own destiny. That’s why they call it ‘destiny’. (Keith Olberman)

After years of waddlesome sloth, I’ve started my descent into squalor.

Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those evolutionary things that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

Which is worse, ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?

My friends, Mike N. (the Arizona Iceman), and Matt K. (the St. Louis photog) contributed some of the above