Enjoy our music Humor section.
Oh, say can you BOOM, CRASH
By the dawn's early BOOM, CRASH
What so proudly we BOOM, CRASH
At the twilight's last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright BOOM, CRASH
Through the perilous BOOM, CRASH
O'er the ramparts we BOOM, CRASH
Were so gallantly streaming? 3 &
8...2...Oh, BOOM BOOM
BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOM BOOM BOOOOOMMMM;
BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOM BOOM BOOOOOMMMM;
BOOM BOOM BOOM
C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're a minor and the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.
Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminuation of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental. The judge rules that all contrary motions are bassless.
A preposition is something you should never end a sentence with. (Thelma Kloos)
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be led. (Stan Laurel)
Only dead fish go with the flow.
Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport.
Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Once you lick it, you'll suck forever. (Brian Wilson)
A new study found that only 20 percent of high school seniors are proficient in geography. Students weren't really bothered by that number because only 3 percent of them are proficient in math.
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
There's no “I” in team, but there are two in Schizophrenia.
Do mimes observe a brief moment of talking when a fellow mime passes away?
Why does “X” always get to mark the spot? I bet “Z” would like a turn.
I don't need to lie. But, sometimes I like to give the truth an extreme makeover.
Death by chocolate would be better than being nibbled to death by ducks.
All my friends keep telling me to never succumb to peer pressure. So I'm going to take their advice and not listen to them.
I broke up with my Gym; we were not working out.
The easiest way to neutralize wet-dog smell is eat chili for dinner.
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
No one ever leaves the theater humming the costumes.
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say that the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
What is the speed of dark?
Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up crying every two hours?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, " I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things there, and drink whatever comes out"?
Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its behind"?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their butt when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs, aren’t they?
Why do Scooby Do and Astro (the Jetsons’ dog) have the same speech impediment? The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There's no future in time travel.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Why do ‘The Alphabet Song’ and ‘Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star’ have the same melody?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
One day, we will all live in the future.
Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect. (Benny Hill)
Rare does not necessarily mean desirable; Smallpox is rare, but people aren't standing in line to get it.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Who stopped payment on my reality check?
What's the speed of dark?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Nobody ever shows up at the Agoraphobics Anonymous meetings.
Whatever doesn't kill you only counts as attempted murder.
There's no such thing as automatic doors - only polite ninjas.
My plan to buy a drawing board just fell through. I guess it's back to th---OH, DARNIT.
People who use hyperbole should be shot.
Predicting the future can be very hard, mostly because it hasn’t happened yet. (Jeffrey Goldberg)
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right--only who is left.
Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening," and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory..
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure..
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
You can run, but you can't hide. Unless, of course, you're a camouflaged chameleon with broken legs. Then you can hide, but you can't run...
Turns out, no matter how many Pringles you can fit into your mouth at one time, this doesn't need to come up in a job interview.
If you're sufficiently bored, all music is dance music.
Anybody can make a mistake. It takes real dedication to make all of them
Rmbr – dooont updt yr staus whljik you driv. It is dngrou7s.
Words in print speak for themselves - anything else is heresay. (Jerry Gilbert)
We all go through life with "Welcome" written on our backs. (Jerry Groathouse)
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. (Shelly Tanabe)
If someone wants to give you money, take it. (Walt Sarlette)
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
If you try to fail - and succeed - what have you done? (George Carlin)
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes .That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away - and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct Tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
There are two theories to winning an argument with a woman. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Just remember: If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
The "50-50-90 Rule": Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
The weather’s only our fault when it’s bad.
It’s very tough to find a job when everyone else has one. ( Joe Theissman)
You got to live in the is, not the was. (Colin Cowherd)
Great music is not a prisoner of time. (Bob Dylan)
Never slap a man on the back when he’s chewing tobacco. (Willard Scott)
It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
We have enough youth - how about a fountain of "smart"?
A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.
Time's fun when you're having flies. (Kermit the Frog)
Red meat is not bad for you - fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Nothing works so well in gathering information as a display of ignorance.
Before you try thinking outside the box, make sure you’re darn good at thinking inside the box.
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. (Ben Williams)
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like has never washed a dog. (Franklin P. Jones)
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. (Robert A. Heinlein)
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them. (Phil Pastoret)
It’s easier to buy a gun than cold medicine. ( Bob Dylan)
Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see.
Even a blind hog can uproot an acorn now and then.
If a frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his butt on the rocks.
Money isn't everything, but it's a darn close second.
If you wanna live like the Joneses, you have to pay the Jones' bills.
While the grass might be greener on the other side of the fence, they still have to mow it.
It's best to remain silent and thought a fool, than open one's mouth and remove all doubt.
You know that a man is on the level if his bubble is in the middle. (Mark Madden)
The difference between “genius” and “stupidity” is that “genius” has limitations. (Albert Einstein)
Birds of a feather flock together, and poop on your car.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
If you’re afraid you’ll make a mistake, you won’t make anything. (Bil Keane)
Take everything you like seriously, except yourselves. (Rudyard Kipling)
If you think you can, you can. And if you think you can't, you're right.
Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it.
A billion here, a billion there - pretty soon you’re talking real money. (Sen. Everett Dirkson)
It sure pays to have friends - even if you have to buy them. (Jerry Gilbert)
If you want a big crowd at your funeral, die young. (Bud Grant)
The odds against being hit by a meteor are astronomical. (Steven Sarlette)
Bank robbers rob banks because that’s where the money is. They don’t rob the offices of non-profit organizations. (Colin Cowherd)
There’s more to life than a ‘57 Chevy.
We may be lost, but we’re making good time. (Rhonda Johnson)
Do or do not do. There is no try. (Yoda - ‘The Empire Strikes Back’)
If God had intended man to fly, He would have given him airplane tickets.(Prof. Irwin Corey)
The only difference between a star and a benchwarmer is opportunity. (Ken Grunig)
There’s a fine line between a ‘phenom’ and a ‘circus act’ (Colin Cowherd)
It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows. (Epictetus)
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging. (Will Rogers)
Don't throw away the old bucket until you know whether the new one holds water. (Swedish Proverb)
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted. (Albert Einstein)
It's not the hours you put in your work that counts, it's the work you put in the hours. (Sam Ewing)
The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and Stupidity. (Harlan Ellison)
You've achieved success in your field when you don't know whether what you're doing is work or play. (Warren Beatty)
It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument. (William G. McAdoo)
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age. (George Burns)
If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity. (Bill Vaughan)
One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say. (Will Durant)
"Results? Why, man, I have gotten a lot of results. I know several thousand things that won't work." (Thomas A. Edison)
What's money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do. ( Bob Dylan)
Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary. (Robert Louis Stevenson)
Everything will be okay in the end. So if it's not okay, it's not the end.
Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it. (Will Rogers)
I believe that every human has a finite number of heart-beats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.( Neil Armstrong)
You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when they're pushed down the stairs.
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
To write with a broken pencil is pointless
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like an orange.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. (Stan Kenton)
The facts, although interesting, are generally irrelevant.
The world gets a little better every day, and worse in the evening.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
I have seen the truth -and it makes no sense.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Plagiarism saves time.
Imitation is the sincerest form of plagiarism.
Teamwork...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exist elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it.
What if there were no rhetorical questions? (George Carlin)
Some people are born into mediocrity, some achieve mediocrity, others have mediocrity thrust upon them.
Information is useless without a purpose.
The bottom line cries for no one. (Eric Satterlee)
If ifs and butts were candy and nuts, we'd all have a happy Christmas. (Sean Salsbury)
99% of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If you marry for money, you'll earn every cent.
It's not the depth of the river, it's the water. (Mike Tomlin)
Never make forecasts - especially about the future. (Sam Goldwyn)
You can't remake a John Wayne movie.
Football is like chess - without the dice.
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
I'm behind full implementation of the metric system - every inch of the way.
Chivalry is not dead - it just smells funny. (Matt-in-the-Hat)
The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence, but they still have to mow it. (Jerry Gilbert)
If it doesn't have flaws, it's not a real diamond. (Tom Powell)
Everything is a process. (Gunner Frayseth)
Get all you can. Can all you get. Sit on the lid. (Eric Satterlee)
How come you never hear about a windstorm that sounds like a passenger train?
When a man gets all wrapped up in himself, he makes a pretty small package. (Mike Ditka)
Learn hot licks and go to the top. (Walt Sarlette)
He who hesitates is probably right.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
When you are dissatisfied with the present and would like to go back to your youth, just think of Algebra.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one. (Andy Rooney)
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
The world is an enigma in search of a riddle. (Brian "Chill" Williams)
There is a fine line between a rut and a groove. (Christine Lavigne)
One benefit to being self-employed is that you only have to work half days - and you even get to choose which 12 hours. (Walt Monroe)
The trouble with being punctual is that there's usually no one there to appreciate it.
Good judgement comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgement.
The bitterness of poor quality lingers long after the sweetness of low price paid is gone. (Eric Satterlee)
The reason that animal-rights groups oppose fur coats rather than leather jackets is because it's easier -and safer - to protest against rich women than motorcycle gangs.
It doesn't matter if you're rich or poor, as long as you have money. (Joe E. Lewis)
Ignorance is not bliss - ignorance is poverty. (Anthony Robbins)
It's the winners that write history.
You're only as good as you need to be bad. (Marlon Brando)
Friends are God's way of apologizing to us for our families.
When you're on fire, people give you lots of room. (Richard Pryor)
A cynic is someone that will smell flowers and look around for a funeral.
Half of all people are below average. (Garrison Keillor)
You can love the underdog, but always bet on the winner.
More is not better - better is better. (Colin Cowherd)
Just because something is stupid, doesn't mean it's unconstitutional. (Anton Scalia)
There's plenty of time for sleeping when you're dead. (Frank Sinatra)
The longer the answer, the bigger the lie. (Colin Cowherd)
If you think you're a person of authority, try bossing someone else's dog around . (Will Rogers)
Behind every successful man is a very surprised mother-in-law. (Lou Holtz)
If it don't make dollars, it don't make sense. (Sterling Sharpe)
A crowded elevator smells different to a midget. (Steve Sabol)
If you can't learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly. (Dennis Green)
No problem is too big to run away from. (Charles Schultz)
If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space. (Colin Cowherd)
Not many people get a chance to do something that's only been done once. (Don Larsen)
If you want a puppy, start out by asking for a pony.
No matter where you go - there you are. (Buckaroo Bonzai)
Change is the only thing that will make things different.
If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
Gravity doesn't take a lunch break. (Charles Osgood)
Time sure drags when you're waiting for the brownies to bake. (Dennis Mitchell)
Scum attracts scum. (Doug Moe)
I don't like to rehearse - if I'm going to make a mistake, I want to be paid for it. (Frankie Nelson)
An eliptical spheriod has no sense. (Keith Jackson)
The only things that go away if you ignore them are your teeth. (Bruce Williams)
If it was easy, anyone could do it. (Buck Owens)
If the enemy is in range, so are you. (Tom Snyder)
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. (Gerald Pearson)
Wear the right costume and the part plays itself. (Ely)
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. (Charles Osgood)
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet airplane engines. (Click and Clack)
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
No good deed goes unpunished.
If you're going to go somewhere, you have to get on the bus. (Tom Bodett)
Aspire to greatness. On the other hand, no one ever assassinated a refridgerator repairman. (Click and Clack)
Love is the illusion that one woman is different from another. (Rush Limbaugh)
If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your future plans. (Dennis Mitchell)
You have to be careful when you don't know where you're going, because you might get there. (Yogi Berra)
If you walk backwards, you'll never stub your toe. (Harvey McKay)
If a man says something and there's no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
Misery is ambition's ugly twin. (Jack Edwards)
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
A word to the wise is unneccesary . It's the foolish that need advice. (Tim Allen)
The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese. (Tom Snyder)
Risk and Reward are handmaidens. (Bruce Williams)
A sin hidden is half-forgiven. (Larry Dean Hutchings)
Cats are intended to teach us that not all things in nature have a purpose. (Garrison Keillor)
The most important key to success is honesty. Once you learn to fake that, you've got it made. (George Burns)
You will miss 100% of the shots that you don't take. (Wayne Gretzky)
If you're not the lead dog, the view never changes.
Nothing commands respect like a shotgun. (Neil Thielke)
Three out of four people make up 75% of the world's population. (Bob Ried)
It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that certain 'je ne saisquoi'. (Peter Schickele)
The urge to perform doesn't necessarily mean that a person has talent. (Garrison Keillor)
It's always darkest just before it goes totally black.
Those who persevere to the end - get old
History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme. (J.D. Heywood)
Death is irreversible. (Jess Ventura)
Never let your mind write a check that your body isn't prepared to cash. (Red Green)
It is easiest to eat crow while it's still warm.
Only the mediocre can always be at their best. (Click and Clack)
Never pass up an opportunity to use the bathroom. (Ann Landers)
Fame may be fickle, but obscurity is faithful to the end.
Support bacteria - it's the only culture that some people have.
If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. (Bill Clinton)
There is no "i" in 'team'. However, there is one in 'contract extension'. (Brian Wicker)
If at first you don't succeed, use more duct tape. (Red Green)
In a perfect world, everything would be different. (Drak Star)
Tradition is hallowed, revered, and sanctified -and prevents you from doing something better.
Tradition is what you resort to when you don't have enough time or money to do something right.
A saxophone is an instrument the combines the disadvantages of a woodwind and a brasswind into one entity.
The best intentions are frought with disappointment. (Gil Grissom, "CSI")
Fear trumps greed.
A train wreck is never on time. (Tom Powell)
If you make a mistake, play it twice. (Herbie Hancock)
Man who keep nose to grindstone have flat face. (ancient Chinese proverb)
Man who sit on tack better off. (ancient Chinese proverb)
Man who pass gas in church sit in own pew. (Twig Webster)
When immortality is outlawed, only outlaws will be immortal. (Dr. Jacob Hood, "Eleventh Hour")
A good craftsman never blames his bench. (Keith Olberman)
Luck pays the same as skill. (Steve Goodson)
Necessity may be the mother of invention, but it's not the mother of production. (Eric Satterlee)
Speculation is always a question mark. (Sid Hartman)
All good things come to an end. So do all bad things. (Dale Connelly, NPR)
Organic bourbon is like the blues played on an oboe. (Garrison Keillor)
If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Economists are good at forecasting the past. (Chris Farrell, NPR)
Some people cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In case of an emergency, notify:", I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
Since God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting one in a fruit salad.
We never really grow up – we just learn how to act in public.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes.
Do all cemetery workers work the graveyard shift?
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
With sufficient thrust, pigs will fly just fine.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
You cannot control your own destiny. That’s why they call it ‘destiny’. (Keith Olberman)
After years of waddlesome sloth, I’ve started my descent into squalor.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those evolutionary things that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Which is worse, ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
My friends, Mike N. (the Arizona Iceman), and Matt K. (the St. Louis photog) contributed some of the above
1. Wilson is tired of paying for clarinet reeds. If he adopts a policy of playing only on rejected reeds from his colleagues will he be able to retire on the money he has saved if he invests it in mutual bonds, yielding 8.7%, before he is fired from his job? If not, calculate the probability of him ever working in a professional symphony orchestra again.
2. Jethro has been playing the double bass in a symphony orchestra for 12 years, three months and seven days. Each day, his inclination to practice decreases by the equation: (total days in the orchestra) x 0.0076. Assuming he stopped practicing altogether four years, six months and three days ago, how long will it be before he is completely unable to play the double bass?
3. Wilma plays in the second violin section, but specializes in making disparaging remarks about conductors and other musicians. The probability of her making a negative comment about any given musician is 4 chances in 7, and for conductors is 16 chances out of 17. If there are 103 musicians in the orchestra and the orchestra sees 26 different conductors each year, how many negative remarks does Wilma make in a two-year period? How does this change if five of the musicians are also conductors? What if six of the conductors are also musicians?
4. Horace is the General Manager of an important symphony orchestra. He tries to hear at least four concerts a year. Assuming that at each concert the orchestra plays a minimum of three pieces per concert, what are the chances that Horace can avoid hearing a single work by Mozart, Beethoven or Brahms in the next ten years?
5. Betty plays in the viola section. Despite her best efforts she is unable to play with the rest of the orchestra and, on average, plays 0.3528 seconds behind the rest of the viola section, which is already 0.16485 seconds behind the rest of the orchestra. If the orchestra is moving into a new concert hall with a reverberation time of 2.7 seconds, will she be able to continue playing this way undetected?
6. Ralph loves to drink coffee. Each week he drinks three more cups of coffee than Harold, who drinks exactly one-third the amount that the entire brass section consumes in beer. How much longer is Ralph going to live?
7. Rosemary is unable to play in keys with more than three sharps or flats without making an inordinate number of mistakes. Because her colleagues in the cello section are also struggling in these passages she has so far been able to escape detection. What is the total number of hours they would all have to practice to play the complete works of Richard Strauss?
Subject: Pending Trombone Legislation
1. WASHINGTON, D.C. - Each year thousands are people are killed, maimed or annoyed by trombones. The statistics of head, neck and even shoulder injuries sustained by reed players, French horn and string sections seated within reach of the deadly seventh position are truly shocking...not to mention forced early retirement due to ever-increasing hearing problems reported by classical musicians of all types who are forced to play the music of Wagner, Mahler and Brahms, as well as the hundreds of alumni of the Herman, Ferguson and Kenton bands and OKOM devotees of Kid Ory, Jack Teagarden, Abe Lincoln Jim Robinson and Lee Gifford.
There is current legislation pending in Congress to restrict the sale of trombones and equip them with child-safety devices. The influential trombone lobby is, of course, opposed to this. There have even been several proposals for requiring a so-called "trigger lock" on all bass trombones! Every year there are reports of hundreds of innocent children, attracted by the shiny brass and smooth, seductive curves of an unattended instrument on a stand in the corner of a room or in an unlocked case who are traumatized for life by the attempts of a playmate to get a sound out of it, or who may suffer a collapsed lung or the effects of hyperventilation by trying the same effort themselves. The owner's feeble "I didn't know the slide was unlocked" is no excuse! Trombones should be stored out of reach of children.
Efforts to enact a mandatory 10-day waiting period to purchase a trombone - which would simply allow a reasonable period of time for law enforcement officials to cross-check the purchaser's name against an International list of registered trombone offenders and Slide-O-Mix addicts, have been repeatedly thwarted by the powerful Conn-Selmer-Yamaha (CSY) lobby. Law enforcement officials are particularly alarmed over the increase in crimes involving use of the "sawed-off" trombone or "sackbut." Legislation is also pending in several progressive states, including New York and California, to make carrying a concealed alto trombone a Class A felony!
Some Governors feel that there are sufficient laws already on the books that simply need stricter enforcement - such as the 1932 nation-wide ban of screw-on bells, the indiscriminate use of Pond's Cold Cream or KY Jelly and unsupervised emptying of waterkeys ("spit valves") on public property - a filthy, unsanitary habit which will help spread the flu this year. One popular response to the spread of delinquent behavior is the imposition of mandatory longer sentences for those using a trombone while committing a crime ("Use a trombone - Go to jail"). Surveillance video tapes have proven especially effective in identifying violators of this statute because career criminals have often tried to avoid convictions by having their lawyers insist that what eye-witnesses reported as a trombone was really only an AK-47 or other legal assault weapon. Strict enforcement has been especially effective when used in conjunction with the new "Three sharps, you're out" statutes that have already been approved by many state legislatures.
Of course the automatic and semi-automatic valved models - both piston and the middle-European rotary - are much more dangerous than the traditional single valve trombone. Interpol has also reported the sudden appearance of rear-blasting Cavalry models that were thought to have been completely eliminated during the Great Confiscation mandated by the 1918 Treaty of Versailles signed by representatives of every civilized country of the period. You may recall that those instruments were melted down and became an integral part of the Trans-Atlantic Telephone Cable that helped to unite America and Europe. It is believed that the new source of these WMDs are isolated factories in rural areas of China. The awesome destructive power of the double trigger bass trombone could never have been imagined by the founding fathers when they granted us the right to keep and bear arms.
Remember: When trombones are outlawed, only outlaws will play "I'm Gettin' Sentimental Over You."
"I was playing too loud."
"Sorry, it was me that was off-tempo."
"I make plenty of money!"
"I can't decide between the Ferrari and the Mercedes."
"I'm not good enough to play first. Is it okay if I sit in the fourth chair?"
"He's a much better a trumpet player than I am."
"Man, your solo was great. I'm glad I didn't have to do it - it wouldn't have sounded as good."
"The last measure says '8va optional', but I'd prefer to play it as written."
"I only need one trumpet."
"I use my E-flat/D all the time!"
"I don't care what kind of oil I use - it's all the same."
"I need to tune up."
"All you need is a good 'D'. Anything higher than that is just screeching."
"Excuse me. Can you ask the clarinet section to play louder? We can't hear them."
"That was a beautiful flute solo!"
"I really wish I had learned to play the oboe instead."
"I have a solo coming up, but I'd rather the sax player take it."
"I didn't like the way Miles played that."
"Haydn wrote a trumpet Concerto?"
"Man, there's nothing like a good marimba concert!"
"Finally! I nice quiet slow passage!"
"I chose a trumpet based on my needs, rather than worrying about the kind Wayne Bergeron plays."
"I turned that down. They offered me too much money."
"So many girlfriends - I have trouble keeping up with them."
"I tried out for that, but I was rejected because I just wasn't good enough.'
(Courtesy of Steve Goodson - the "Sax Gourmet" - and saxnation.com)
2. Rhythm is irrelevant as long as thoust play loud enough, and whoever shall play the loudest has the right rhythm.
3. Thou shalt use the back of a sax player's head as a mute whenever necessary.
4. Whoever shall play the loudest wins--and we always win.
5. Intonation is optional at fff or above--tone quality is also a bonus.
6. Tone quality may/can/should/must be compromised for sheer volume.
7. Thou shalt always have a target.
8. Humor the conductors during rehearsals--the performance shall be yours.
9. An outstretched palm means 5X louder.
10. A two-bar diminuendo is merely a big accent.
11. This rule just shows that we really can go to eleven.
(Courtesy of Steve Goodson - the "Sax Gourmet" - and saxnation.com)
A: Three - 1 to actually change the bulb, and 2 to say that they could have done it better, faster and higher.
Q: How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?
A: Seven - if you lay them out correctly.
Q: If you're watching children playing at a playground, how can you tell which ones are the offspring of a trombone player?
A: They're the ones that can't swing and don't know how to use the slide.
Q: What will you never say about a trombone player?
A: "That's the trombone player's Porsche."
Q:How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A: Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.
Q: What's the difference between a dead chicken in the road, and a dead trombonist in the road?
A: There's a remote chance the chicken was on its way to a gig.
Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.
Q: What's the definition of an optimist?
A: A trombone player with a beeper.
Q: What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
Q: What's the range of a tuba?
A: About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.
Q: What's a tuba for?
A: 1 1/2" by 3 1/2", unless you request "full cut."
Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?
A: With a tuba glue.
Q: What's the difference between a bull and a French Horn section?
A: The bull's horns are supposed to be sharp.
Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a trombone in the road?
A: Skid marks in front of the snake.
Q: How do you know that there's a trombone player at your door?
A: The doorbell rings slower and s l o w e r and s l o w e r . . .
Q: How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he'll probably do it too loudly.
Q: What's the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: 'On' or 'Off' .
Q: What's the difference between a French horn and a '57 Chevy?
A: You can tune the Chevy.
Q: What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goalpost?
A: A goalpost that can't march.
Q: How many French hornists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he'll take 2 hours to check for alignment and leaks.
Q: What's the difference between a trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
A: I don't know either.
Q: What's the difference between a government bond and a trumpet player?
A: The government bond eventually matures.
Q: How do trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
A: "Hi. I'm better than you."
Q: Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
A: He's too sensitive.
Q: How many 3rd trumpets does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - they can't get up that high.
Q: How do you get the trombone player off your porch?
A: Pay for the pizza.
A trombone player in the orchestra is collecting money to help bury a fellow section player who had recently passed away. He comes upon a man on the street and asks him if he could spare $25 to help bury the trombone player. "Here's $75," he replies, "see if you can find two more."
Did you hear the one about the tuba player who walked past a bar? Hey, it COULD happen.
WOODWINDSQ: How many oboe players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but she goes through a whole box of bulbs before she finds one she likes.
Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
A: Two oboists playing in unison.
Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A1: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.
A2: The bassoon burns longer.
Q: What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off when you jump on the trampoline.
Q: What's a burning oboe good for?
A: Setting a bassoon on fire.
Q: How do you get two piccolo players to play in unison?
A: Shoot one.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the bassoon recital.
Q: Why do clarinetists keep an alto clarinet case in the car?
A: So they can park in the handicapped zones.
Q: What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five - one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how Charlie Parker would have done it.
Q: What's the differnce between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
A!: Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles.
A2: The neighbors get upset when you borrow their mower and don't return it.
A3: The grip.
Q: What's the difference between a chainsaw and a bari sax?
A: The exhaust
Q: What's the difference between a chainsaw and a soprano sax?
A: The chainsaw has a greater range.
Q: What's the difference between an chainsaw and an alto sax?
Q: If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, and out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
A: The out-of-tune tenor sax player. The other two don't really exist.
Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?" The other replies, "That was no piccolo. That was my fife."
A conductor was frantic because his oboe player (who is ALWAYS sucking on a reed) accidentally swallowed her reed. He called the hospital to and got hold of an emergency worker and asked what to do. The nurse (who was a musician herself) replied "well.... you could use a muted cornet".
DRUMMERSQ: What do you say to a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "Will the Defendant please rise?"
Q: What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad drummer?
A: A bad drummer can kill you.
Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a bulb?
A: None, they have machines for that now.
Q: How can a band tell if the stage is level?
A: The drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.
Q: What's the last thing a drummer says before he gets kicked out of a band?
A: "When do we get to play MY songs?"
Q: How can you tell when a drummer is at your door?
A: The knocking gets faster and faster andfasterandfasterandfaster.
Q: What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Q: Why is it a good thing that drummers are a little smarter than horses?
A: So that they don't disgrace themselves in parades.
Q: What's the difference between a live drummer and a drum machine?
A: With the drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.
Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathisers
Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in his car?
It took 2 hours to get the drummer out.
A little boy is watching a concert on TV one evening. He turns to his mother and says,"Mom, when I grow up, I wanna be a drummer!" And his mother replies, "Pick one or the other, honey, you can't do both!"
GUITARS, ETC.Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a guitar players arm?
A: A tattoo.
Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.
Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: What do you call a guitar player who only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.
Q: How do you reduce wind-drag on a bass players car?
A: Take the "Domino's Pizza" sign off the roof.
Q: How do you get a bass player off of your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer?
A: Give him music to read.
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: None - the piano player can do that with his left hand.
A2: One, but the guitarist has to first show him how.
A3: Don't bother. Just leave it out and no one will notice.
Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - they just steal someone else's light.
Q: What do you call 2 guitarists playing in unison?
Q: How many electric guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five. One to actually do it, and the other 4 to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.
The only thing in nature close to the sound of a banjo is a chicken getting caught in a vacuum cleaner.
ORCHESTRAQ. Why are violins smaller than violas?
A. They are actually the same size - violinists' heads are bigger.
Q: Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A: So they don't have to re-train the cellists.
Q. How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A. The bow is moving.
Q: How are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving, and hard to get out of the car.
Q: How do you make a cello play in tune?
A: Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.
Q: Why do violinists place a cloth between their chin and the instrument?
A: Because violins don't have spit valves.
Q: What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
A1: No-one cares if you spill beer on a fiddle.
A2: The fiddle is fun to listen to.
Q: Why should you never drive a nail with a violin?
A: You might bend the nail.
Q: What's the difference between a violinist and a dog?
A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.
There was a commotion in the back of the viola section. The conductor stops the rehearsal to ask what the problem is. The viola player says" the trombone player turned one of my pegs and now he won't tell me which one"
PIANOQ: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat minor
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A: A flat major.
SINGERSQ: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.
Q: How many singers does it take to screw in a bulb?
Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?
Q: How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
Q: How do put a sparkle in a singer's eyes?
Q: What's the difference between a high school choir concert and the men's finals at Wimbledon?
Q: How does a young man become a member of the high school choir?
Q: What's the difference between a choir director and a chimpanzee?
Q: How many country & western singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Q: What happens if you play a country song backwards?
Q: What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
Q: How do you make a million dollars singing jazz?
Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
MISCELLANEOUS Q: How do you define perfect pitch?
A: When the accordion lands in the MIDDLE of the dumpster.
Q: What's the difference between an accordion and an Uzi?
A: The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
Q: What do you call 10 accordions at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree?
A: Night manager at McDonalds.
Q: What's the difference between music written in the alto clef and Greek?
A: Some people can actually read Greek.
Q: What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
A: New Age music.
Q: How many sound-men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three.
A2: "Hey, man - I just do sound."
Q: What's the difference between a pop musician and a jazz musician?
A: A pop musician plays 3 chords in front of 1000 people, and a jazz musician plays 1000 chords in front of 3 people.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft & I'll show you A-flat miner.
Three souls appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter asked the first one, "What was your last annual salary?" The soul replied, "$200,000; I was a trial lawyer." St. Peter asked the second one the same question. The soul answered, "$95,000; I was a realtor." St. Peter then asked the third soul the same question. The answer was "$8,000." St. Peter immediately said, "Cool! What instrument did you play?"
A jazz musician has just won $3 million in the lottery. A TV reporter asks him what he plans to do with the money. The jazz musician replies, "Guess I'll keep playin' until the money runs out."
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like'Tom Jones Syndrome'."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."
Three men die in a plane crash and are waiting to enter heaven. As they approach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asks the first man, "What did you do on Earth?"
Man #1: "I was a doctor."
St. Peter: "Welcome to heaven. Go right through those gates!"
St. Peter looks at the second man, and asks:" And what did you do on Earth?"
Man #2: "I was a school teacher."
St. Peter: "Welcome, welcome. You, too, may walk right through those pearly gates."
St. Peter then faces the 3rd man, and asks:"And what did you do on Earth?"
Man #3: "I" was a musician.
St. Peter: "Go around to the back, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen . . . "
The music world was saddened in the summer of 2006 when trumpet legend Maynard Ferguson died. However, few know what happened to Maynard shortly after he left this humble Earth. Here's the rest of the story: He soon arrived at the Pearly Gates, but was understandably sad and concerned. Greeting him, St. Peter told him not to worry . . .
"It's OK, Maynard - there are some great jazz musicians up here. . . Benny Goodman, Duke Ellington, Count Basie, the Bird . . ."
Maynard asked if he'd get to play, and if so what instrument.
St. Peter replied, "Trumpet, of course. We've got a great horn section here - Miles, Bix, Satchmo, Al Hirt, Harry James . . . you'll have a blast! Plus, we've got Buddy on drums, Nat King Cole on vocals (if Pavoratti will let him sing . . .) "
Maynard asked about the charts. St. Peter replied: "Oh, Glenn Miller is here, and Stan Kenton, Henry Mancini, Guy Lombardo. . . no problem with notes."
Maynard 's mood improved, and he exclaimed: "That sounds GROOVY. Let me in!"
Suddenly, St. Peter's tone softened quite a bit, and he looked around furtively: "There's just one small problem."
Maynard was doubtful. "It can't be that bad . . . what is it?"
St. Peter was almost whispering now."Well, you see, God has this girlfriend that He thinks can sing . . ."
A Balkan music group booked a concert. They all get ready, organize their instruments and drive to the concert. The accordion player sits in the back seat with his accordion. They arrive, get out of the car and start walking to the hall. They just entered the building and suddenly the accordion player noticed he forget his accordion in the car! Oh no! He runs back to the car as quickly as he can... but no, it was too late... the window was broken already... and three more accordions were thrown into the car!
This guy was in charge of finding someone to play for the New Year's Eve party, but he kept putting it off. Finally, just before Christmas, he starts looking around and everybody is already booked, except for these two guys who play accordion and banjo. Reluctantly, he books them.
And they're great! The music is good, the selections are fun, and everybody loves them. So he goes up to them at the end of the night and asks them if they could come back and play again next year.
They say, "Sure, we'll see you then. Would it be all right if we just leave our stuff here?"
Interviewer: Can you explain jazz?
Yogi: I can't, but I will. 90% of all jazz is half improvisation. The other half is the part people play while others are playing something they never played with anyone who played that part. So if you play the wrong part, its right. If you play the right part, it might be right if you play it wrong enough. But if you play it too right, it's wrong.
Interviewer: I don't understand.
Yogi: Anyone who understands jazz knows that you can't understand it. It's too complicated. That's what's so simple about it.
Interviewer: Do you understand it?
Yogi: No. That's why I can explain it. If I understood it, I wouldn't know anything about it.
Interviewer: Are there any great jazz players alive today?
Yogi: No. All the great jazz players alive today are dead. Except for the ones that are still alive. But so many of them are dead, that the ones that are still alive are dying to be like the ones that are dead. Some would kill for it.
Interviewer: What is syncopation?
Yogi: That's when the note that you should hear now happens either before or after you hear it. In jazz, you don't hear notes when they happen because that would be some other type of music. Other types of music can be jazz, but only if they're the same as something different from those other kinds.
Interviewer: Now I really don't understand.
Yogi: I haven't taught you enough for you to not understand jazz that well.
Courtesy of Steve Goodson (the "Sax Gourmet") and www.saxnation.com
Responses from alarmed customers: "The notice didn't mention whether Yahama electronic keyboards were included in the recall. I'm concerned because I have the Yahama CP-300 Stage Piano. My son frequently drives this unit. There have been several incidents, usually in Dvorak, where without warning, he has lurched into polka mode in an andante. This really scares the hemiola out of me."
"There is certainly no way to soft-pedal the problem, and it's causing terrible stretto in the piano playing community. Fortunately I do not own Yamahas myself. I'm hoping this problem is not also found in Steinwhey pianos with the Accelerated Action."
Experts suggest that a sharp response from Yahama will be key to composing a satisfactory resolution of the problem.Criticism of the company has been sharp. Barbara Boxer is planning hearings to find out when Yahama first learned about the treble.